I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I believe in your delicious
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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