You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
