I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
