Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize