You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My nipple is on Facebook.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
