I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
