i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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