Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
