my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
