you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
