Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
