I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
