you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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