every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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