you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
