I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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