i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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