Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I need a burrito and a hug.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
