id be glad to
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
