you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You took a bar mat shot.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
