i jhust puked up my retainher.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The feeling are messing with the penis
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I can't put those talents on a resume
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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