my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She said her name was "party"
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
