I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
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