did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
