I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
