ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
