its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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