if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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