So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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