She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
