Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
