you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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