Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
