I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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