The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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