i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
