i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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