Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
