Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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