My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
