Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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