I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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