____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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