Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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