the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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