ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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