Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
