I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
MIDGETS
????
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
