There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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