i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
