she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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