how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
