I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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