I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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