i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
