Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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