Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
