I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
