I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I'm really busy with my period
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