I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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