A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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