i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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