i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
