I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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